Presenting Little Miss Vanessa Deceased...
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I really couldn't understand Vanessa's attitude. She kept screaming from inside the refrigerator, going on about how dark it was and so I opened the door but she kept screaming anyway. She whined about how lonely she was so I bought her the damn purple unicorn. It wasn't good enough and all she wanted was her ratty old teddybear. She bitched and cried about how hungry she was but wouldn't eat the damn cup of noodles that I opened up for her. So I hadn't actually added water or cooked it. Who am I, Martha Fucking Stewart??? So to shut her up I stuffed one of my last Twinkies into her pie hole but she still wasn't happy. And so I give her the crown of spam because she's such a spoiled little princess and what does she do? She just cries and goes on about how mean I am and about how much she hates spam. And me. Even though it was me who made her the Spam Princess. I bought that spam and that unicorn with my own liquor money and couldn't go to the bar that night. Ungrateful little brat. Two days later, she'd be begging me for a can opener for that same can of spam. Vanessa, that little Einstein, couldn't follow simple instructions. The more I yelled "STOP CRYING!," the more she bawled like a two-year-old with a dirty diaper. I just don't understand kids. Anyway, I finally got her to stop crying and she's not here anymore. At least not above ground. Now as much as I hate to say it, I sort of miss that poor mixed-up kid. So it's nice to have that portrait of her that I keep in my wallet to remember her by. The one I cut off the side of the milk carton.
Sleeping like a little angel...
Waking up cranky and looking for a spanky.
Doesn't seem to remember that it was this kind of look on her face that got her locked in my fridge in the first place!
With her hair like that in the photo above, she reminds me of the Misfits, who I was listening to as I took these cute photos of her.
Everybody loves a Twinkie!
Spam Princess.
And for the talent portion of our Miss Spam Princess competition, Vanessa will scream at the top of her lungs like a stuck pig!
Vanessa Deceased: Short and sweet, hates luncheon meat. Too bad since she is the Spam Princess! Kid needed to learn how to enjoy what she had while she had it.
One of the most fun things about watching Vanessa was that every time I called her a baby, she'd cry and scream "I'M NOT A BABY!!!!" It was so funny I hurt myself laughing. I guess you just had to be there....
This gallery of photos is dedicated to the memory of Vanessa Deceased.